Thursday, October 04, 2007

Sometimes things give us the opportunity to reflect and learn…

Years ago when I was being bullied by the family I have told you about before. The adopted one in the family and me became best of mates after a few fist fights and years of physical and mental abuse from his family; I have told you about him before as well. In fact he was adopted he had to go through much more than me as his 4 x brothers and Mum and Dad bullied him. Anyway, I remember we would go into town after robbing some fags from a shop where we had a couple of birds, and once cashed in - straight into the amusement arcades. I would think to myself **** this gambling what I have earned for a game of soldiers, and spend probably 20p on the Galaxian game. Once my 3 lives had gone I’d go and watch my best pal as he gambled every penny on the eachway nudger machine, bit of a careful hebrew I was in hindsight, even then!

So once skint he would ask me for 50p and I’d give him a quid (because I knew 50p wasn’t enough) until eventually he’d wipe me out and my £8 days robbings now did not belong to me (or him anymore). Every Saturday without fail we did the same thing and no matter how lucky he may have been on a particular day it went in the same pattern. When I see him now 25 years later I see it in his eyes and hear in his tone that he thinks back to the times when we were lads and things we got up to. One thing always concerned and ate away at me at the time and without the benefit of reflection… As it didn’t matter to me how I felt as long as he was alright, it didn’t really matter as long as he could see me for who I was (try to make sense of that). Did he really know though or was he blind to it? should I have pointed out just how much of a friend I was?

When I think back I remember how it felt to be able to give something away in the knowing it probably wouldn’t come back how I wanted. I also remember always wondering and hoping that he appreciated me for who I was. Maybe if he didn’t then he soon would recognise where to place his values one day and then I’d know if I was a true friend. However, at the end of the day I can only assume what he might be thinking, feeling, remembering, when I see him now and I cant keep going back 25years for them feelings can I? Yes of course because the feelings of being who you are cannot be taken away by anyone. Money comes and goes in and out of the hands of fools but memories are ours to keep, they cannot be bought or sold; just reflected upon and learned from. What about the bad ones I hear you say? Well, they don’t exist is my answer, they are all good, it just depends how you remember them and what you choose to learn.

I know he knows I am genuine…. what else? Haven’t got a clue but the fact he knows me more than most is back payment for 25years ago. It’s funny you know me and Kev were talking while eating a baked spud in town yesterday and I was mentioning peoples intentions, and frame of references, even perceptual positions, where you put yourself in the other persons shoes. The thoughts start rolling in again, maybe I had an external frame of reference and wanted my old friend to just let me know I was a friend. Maybe in my internal frame of reference I thought I was a dickhead and just wanted feedback to the contrary, access to his innermost thoughts on how he perceived me as a person.

So back to the frame of reference and normally I just know If I’m doing a good job, I don’t need feedback. One thing I am brilliant at if I don’t say so myself is finding a positive to why a person did such a thing then constructing excuses for them for why they may have done it. I am so good at that, I can even make the persecutor feel better for doing me harm as I reframe the intentions for them to help them feel better. I am laughing at myself here as what I have learned cannot be bought for any price…

What have I learned ?

Development of this topic is well beyond the scope of this virtual letter.